What God Has Been Teaching Me, Part 4

In that moment, God reminded me that my problem wasn't a baby who was always gassy, never sleeping, with a heart condition.  He consoled me that He cared for Gabe.  This was His best for Gabe.  BUT, the problem is my sin.

He reminded me that He cares for me, too.  This is His BEST for me.  You see, He isn't content to leave me where I am.  God had used Gabe's birth and events thereafter to sanctify me, to make me more like His Son.  He wasn't done, though I thought He might be.  And because He loves me (He sent His Son to die IN MY PLACE while I was still a sinner) He is faithfully, steadfastly, continuing to complete this good work he began in me until it is finished.

But it's not finished yet.  I still sin.  He has "made perfect forever those who are being made holy." Hebrews 10:14.  In other words, He counts me righteous because of Jesus' death on my behalf.  And He's making me holy by constantly changing me while I am still on earth.  Amazing! 

Jerry Bridges writes a highly-recommended book called Respectable Sins . I once heard him tell a group of people that he had wished he could title it "The Acceptable Sins of the Saints" for that is more accurately telling what the book is about; sins we seem to accept as ok though in reality they are still sin.  Afterall, I haven't been killing anyone, or stealing, or lying.  I have thought many times (and you maybe have as well even reading my posts) that there is nothing wrong with the way I'm thinking.  Afterall, I have been dealt a challenging hand.  But that is not entirely true.  What I am tempted to call "caring about Gabe" the Bible calls "worry."  What I call "being upset" the Bible calls "anger."  What I call "venting frustrations" the Bible calls "grumbling." 

I want to root out these sins not because doing so will make me more righteous.  Impossible.  I cannot do anything to merit His favor or make me righteous.  For I am counted righteous because He took the punishment on my behalf and gave me His righteousness.  I keep singing these lyrics from a song at church:

"Jesus, friend of sinners
A crown of thorns you wore for me
Bruised for my transgressions
Pierced for my iniquities
The wrath of God that I deserved
Was poured out on the innocent
He took my place, my soul to save
Now I am his forever"

No.  I want to root out these sins because I love Him.  I want to root out these sins because I want to do great things for the glory of God.  I want to root out these sins because I want less of me and more of Him.  I want to be like Emily Judson, remember?

"The person who would do great things well must practice daily on little ones; and she who would have the assistance of the Almighty in important acts, must be daily and hourly accustomed to consult His will in the minor affairs of life."  

 

A look at these is coming next:   grumbling, anger, anxiety, fear, love of ease, pride, idolatry.

 
   

Photo Break

Big boys were sleeping this afternoon.  Baby?  Not so much.  So we took some pictures!  Enjoy! 

Push-up!

Getting ready to roll...

...and I made it!

All tuckered out!  (One of my faves, just wish it wasn't blurry! I think he looks like my baby pictures in this one.) 

What God Has Been Teaching Me, Part 3

So He whispered to me, "Concentrate on how you can serve me." 

It was immediately as if a burden was lifted, a huge weight removed.  I had been trying for so many days to figure out how to adjust things "just so" to make it work for me to serve in all the ways I wanted to.  I was constantly thinking about what I could change here to make a difference there.  "If I put him to sleep earlier, maybe he'll sleep longer.  If I burp him longer, maybe he'll sleep better.  If I turn on a fan...if I lay him on his belly...if I put him in his car seat...if we adjust his medicine....if I...." You get the picture

I had been desperately trying to figure out what I could do.  But everything I tried didn't work.  And if it did work, it didn't last.  And then I'd get my undies in a bunch, in a tizz, frazzled then the sin that was residing in my heart would make a visible appearance in many ugly forms:  complaining, grumbling, anger, anxiety, fear, pride, idolatry.  Yuck!  In that moment when God kindly and mercifully pulled my gaze off of my circumstances to Him, the light shone on all those dark things that had played starring roles in days prior.  But it wasn't overwhelming--His yoke is easy and burden light, remember? 

He was only calling me to ONE THING right now.  And that was to honor Him in the moment.  And I knew immediately what that looked like:  John 3:30--"He must become greater; I must become less." 

Stay tuned....

What God Has Been Teaching Me, Part 2

As I paced back and forth in tears from being overwhelmed, I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head.

"How am I supposed to serve my whole family when I have to rock the baby?  I can't make supper if I'm always rocking him.  I can't not rock him back to sleep because he can't cry for longer than 5 minutes and he never falls asleep that fast.  I want to fulfill the roles you've called me to, God, and I want to do them well.  But I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to serve everyone all at the same time under these circumstances."

"How is he ever going to learn to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own unless I get him on a schedule?  I can't get him on a schedule because I can't always put him to sleep at exactly the right moment.  I don't know if you've noticed, God, but sometimes when it's time for Gabe to sleep the other boys need my attention at that moment too. I think putting him on a schedule would help.  But I can't get him on a schedule.  How can I get him on a schedule?"

"How am I supposed to get Gabe to sleep when I have to keep going upstairs and training Caleb since he's not obeying in his bed?  I can't do those things at the same time?  I don't know who I'm supposed to prioritize here.  I want to be faithful to the things you've called me to God but I don't know which one takes precedence everyday."

"I don't know how to even serve my baby let alone my whole family in these moments.  I want to honor You, God, but I don't have a clue how to make this work."

I kept pacing, trying to figure out how I was to honor God in all these areas and specific situations but it was then when my myriad of questions was halted by a kind and gracious Father who gently whispered this:

"Angie, in these moments, in this season, I want you to stop spending all your time trying to discover how you can serve your family and Gabe well.  In the very middle of these trying moments I want you to concentrate on how you can serve ME!"   

What God Has Been Teaching Me, part 1

I was downstairs in the dark rocking the baby.  And by rocking I don't mean sitting in a chair rocking back and forth.  What I really mean is pacing.  I was pacing the baby.  He doesn't like it when I sit down.  Bummer.  So I was rocking him again.  It was the 3rd or 4th time he'd woken up from his afternoon nap that day.  It was the 3rd or 4th time I'd rocked, errr...paced him, that nap.  It was just a repeat of the events of the morning but there was something different this time.

My attitude.  I should clarify.  My attitude, aka my heart, hadn't really changed.  It was just being exposed this time.  And it was ugly. 

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Let me go back even farther.  As new parents of Caleb, we became very schedule oriented.  We fed on a schedule, slept on a schedule, played on a schedule.  He followed our lead nicely.  We patted ourselves on the back proudly, though it was very clearly God who allowed such efforts to work.  When we added Elliott to the mix, scheduling remained helpful and beneficial but he wasn't doing it by the book like Caleb did.   It was then that I received some of the wisest parenting counsel I had ever been given.  My friend Jill told me, "Angie, when you are making decisions regarding how to care for the new baby, remember that you need to decide based on what will serve the entire family, not just the baby."  Her advice and care was foundational for me and helped us to think more clearly as we made various parenting decisions.  This meant feeding little, underweight Elliott in the middle of the night until he was 11 months instead of letting him cry for hours so that we could all be more rested.  This meant letting Elliott fuss during the day so I could train Caleb.  It really helped us to think that way.  

Fast forward a bit and add another baby boy to the family.  What a blessing Gabe has been to our family.  He is sweet.  He is a flirt.  He is content.  He is long and fat.  He is sensitive.  He has a crazy swirl in his hair that results in one tuft sticking up all the time.  He has some crazy gas issues that make him endlessly burpy.  He has Long QT.  God has used this precious little boy to change me.  I cannot believe the good works He has accomplished in my heart through the events of this little (big!) guy's birth.  But he is not through.  He is still working.  I have a looooonnnggggggg way to go.  

This little mini series is just going to be about some of the things he's teaching me through being a mother to three precious boys, one of whom has a heart condition.  

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So back downstairs I was pacing with Gabe.  I was frustrated that he couldn't stay asleep.  I was sad that I was frustrated.  I was annoyed that I couldn't get anything else done.  I was discontent with the lot God had given me for that day.  I was angry that I couldn't let Gabe just cry it out (per doctors orders!).  I felt a lot of things all at once, not many of which honored the Lord.  But He was kind.  He gently started to speak to me and helped me listen.  This quote sums up what God has been teaching me:

"The person who would do great things well must practice daily on little ones; and she who would have the assistance of the Almighty in important acts, must be daily and hourly accustomed to consult His will in the minor affairs of life."  -Emily Judson (wife of America's first foreign missionary, Adoniram Judson)

stay tuned....

Oh Poor Neglected Blog...

Oh poor neglected blog....

...I haven't forgotten about you.  I write on you in my head all the time.  Trouble is I usually can't type them because I'm rocking a baby to sleep, or bandaging a skinned knee, or folding another load of laundry even though last week's laundry is still in baskets, or reading Skippy Jon Jones for the 3285th time, or building forts with couch pillows, or feeding a baby, or working on a house project, or trying to get a few uninterrupted moments of sleep.  I love doing those things.  Don't get me wrong,  poor neglected blog, I much prefer them to you.  Sometimes I think I'd rather blog than do those things.  But that's not really true. Anyway, poor neglected blog, I'm going to try to write on you.  Mostly because I'd like to record the events of life somewhere.

I want to tell you about Gabe being born, Gabe being in the NICU, what God has been teaching me, parenting, our new house, just to name a few.

All in due time, poor neglected time.

A Family of Five

3 little boys leave me no time to post but I had to share these amazing photos that our friend, Brandon, took of our family (mostly Gabe!) a couple of weeks ago.  He did an awesome job!  Check them out here.

Which one is your favorite?

P.S.  For those of you who check back regularly, I promise I will post soon about Gabe's birth, our time in the NICU and how Gabe is doing now!  We are so grateful for your prayers and God's sustaining grace.  We are beyond blessed.