Birthday Countdown--1 Day

6.  He's Always Been Faithful And Will Be Again

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Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me Morning by morning I wake up to find

The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine

Season by season I watch Him, amazed

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain

He did not recycle to bring me gain

I can’t remember one single regret

In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song

The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long

God has been faithful, He will be again

His loving compassion, it knows no end

All I have need of, His hand will provide

He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful

He’s always been faithful to me.

Birthday Countdown--2 Days

5.  If I’m Not Actively Placing My Hope In The Lord, I Start Hoping In Something Else

I hope you haven’t been reading these posts thinking, “Wow. She has it all together.” Let me assure you. I do NOT! Any good things you see are purely evidence of God’s faithful work, not my own. And let me also just reiterate that God has begun to teach me so many wonderful things but while I am still living in this fallen world, I will never perfectly walk in what He has taught me. I am still the greatest of sinners in need of constant grace!
 
The day after the neonatologists gave Gabe the diagnosis of LQT they connected us to a pediatric cardiologist via conference call from the NICU.  The kind doctor on the other end was informative, humble, encouraging, and remarkably normal.  Over the next couple of days we compiled giant lists of questions we wanted to ask him about this condition, about what the future would like for our son, about the odds he faces, etc.  He scheduled an appointment for us to come to the children's hospital he works at after Gabe's discharge.

I thoroughly prepared for that appointment.  When we got there, we met with the kind cardiologist (Dr. N) who was as humble and down-to-earth in person as he was on the phone.  He just kept saying he wanted Gabe to live a normal, healthy life.  Dr. N also informed us that babies can have a prolonged QT interval when they are born without actually having LQT due to the way the heart continues to develop after birth.  However, because of the episode in the hospital with Gabe and the fact that I have a family history of LQT, they would treat Gabe as though he had the disease no matter what.  And if after a year or 2 his QT interval was normal, he had not shown any symptoms of the disease, and genetic testing indicated no mutations they would say, "I'm sorry we over medicated your child.  He does not have Long QT." 

 

After our first meeting that day, he walked us down the hall where we got to meet with Gabe's pediatric electrophysiologist (Dr. O).  Again, this doctor was so kind, so humble, so careful and gentle, so thorough and willing to answer the pages of questions we had come up with.  I remember him looking at our notebook and seeing a question we hadn't asked and insisting that we ask.  They met with us for over 2 hours that day and asked us to come back in 6 weeks. 

During those weeks, I remember living in the good of the things God had taught me, delighting in the peace He had given me and the way He'd transformed my heart to trust Him with my children's lives.  Ladies from church made notecards of Bible verses for me that I plastered all over my house where I would see them constantly.  I was constantly reminding myself of those truths from God's word and placing my hope in my good and faithful God. 

6 weeks came and went without a visible hiccup and ended with a 24 hour Holter monitor to record every detail of Gabe's heart.  I again prepared for Gabe's appointment, but this time it was not by writing down lists of questions.  This time I prepared by reminding myself that my hope is in God no matter what.  I spent time reading verses, singing songs, and Ben and I prayed, "God, will you please help us trust you no matter what they tell us at the next appointment."  We saw Dr. N and he gave us the good news that the monitor showed no signs for fainting or arrhythmeas and that he was responding well to the medicine.  They wanted us to add another medicine at this point (their standard procedure for treating infants with LQT), do another Holter, and come back in a month.  I came away from the appointment encouraged:  1) I knew my heart was trusting the Lord and 2) we had been given a favorable report! 

A month later we arrived at the children's hospital for another appointment following the Holter.  But something was different this time.  I was antsy, unsettled, and a bit nervous.  I couldn't wait to hear what the doctor said.  It became painstakingly obvious that I had done an ill job of preparing for this appointment.  It wasn't as though I had forgotten God's goodness that month or that I suddenly thought Him unfaithful.  Dr. N came in and the appointment went well again but he didn't use words like "perfect" as he had in the last appointment.  He was a bit unsatisfied with Gabe's resting heartrate and wanted it lower requiring an increase in the amount of medicine we were giving him.  I was so sad to hear this. 

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

But God so kindly and quickly showed me the real problem in all of this.  You see, at the first and 2nd appointments I was actively, consciously making a choice to hope in God.  But by the third appointment, I had begun to think that I had arrived at hoping in God and would forevermore do so.  I expected that since God had worked in me so much that I would just walk in complete belief, perfect faith, and total dependence on Him without any effort.  Ha! 

And isn't it just so kind of God to show me that early in Gabe's life?  God is pleased when I place my hope in Him.   And if I'm not putting my hope in God, I start to hope in something else.  It's just like the hymn says, "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

For example:
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I begin to hope in good doctor's reports.
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I start to believe in the medicine.  I start to think that it can keep him alive and he won't need a defibrillator.
If I'm not actively putting my hope in God, I start to hope that Gabe will just be one of those kids the doctors mentioned who doesn't really have LQT. 
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I can place hope in my practices.  I can think that I have to do things a certain way or my children will be ruined forever.
If I'm not actively putting my hope in God, I can start to hope in my children meeting developmental milestones at the right time.
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I begin thinking I can avoid any situations that would cause fainting or sudden death for Gabe and that I can prevent any bad things.
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I start to hope in myself.
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I begin to think that God has already taken my sisters from me and would never take my child.  I start to hope that I've met the quota.
If I am not actively putting my hope in God, I start to think that I'm a necessary ingredient in the salvation of my kiddos.  I hope that I will do enough good, say enough right things, and not do too many bad things.

But unless my hope is in God, it is misplaced!  He is the only one worthy of it, He is the only faithful, all sufficient, good God.  Why would I want to hope in anyone or anything else? 

Psalm 146:5
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

I have to purposefully and actively place my hope in God or I wander, I drift.  But by His good grace He has used Gabe to show me that with His help I can work to keep my hope stayed on Him, because I trust in Him.  Do we hope that God heals Gabe someday from LQT?  OF COURSE!  And we believe that He could do that at any moment.  Do we pray that God would give Gabe a long life?  MOST DEFINITELY!   But our hope is not in healing, a long life, or anything else.  By His grace our hope is in God!

The first two pictures taken by Erin at The Locket.



Birthday Countdown--3 days

4.  God Keeps Gabe Alive, Not Me

God's grace was so very evident during our time in the NICU.  There is no other way to explain it.  On our own we could NEVER have trusted Him during that crazy time.  On our own we would have NEVER experienced joy (albeit surrounded by sorrow on every side.)  On our own we would have been destroyed. 

But Ben and I would both agree that there was never a time of doubting God's goodness and faithfulness as an unexpected future for our child was suddenly hanging in front of us.  I'm not quite sure how to explain it but God transformed my heart in a major way during that week in the NICU. 

 

It might help you to know that when Caleb was born I would get big time anxious about leaving him.  I remember about a month after he was born and we had visitors.  They encouraged us to just go for a walk or something and get out of the house.  We went but I was a wreck the entire time.  Caleb was all I could think about for that 15 minute walk.  This was indicative of what was to come.  We would go on a date now and again and Ben's parents would graciously watch him but instead of spending my time delighting in my husband I would fear, "What if he cries and they don't now what he wants?  What if he isn't happy and is serious the whole time?  What if he dies and I wasn't the last one to hold, cuddle, squeeze, love him?  What if he doesn't drink the bottle?  What if, what if, what if...."

This pattern continued after Elliott was born but got even more intense.  Now it wasn't just with other people that I would begin fearing, it was even if Ben was the only one with them.  I cannot count how many times Ben would glad-heartedly send me to go grocery shopping in peace and I would excitedly leave.  But about the time I would get to the check out line I would start to panic.  "Oh my goodness I have taken too long.  I should have run through the aisles faster.  What if both of the kids are sad?  What if Elliott is falling asleep and Ben can't play with Caleb?  What if it isn't easy for Ben and he has to work really hard?  What if someone gets hurt?  What if, what if, what if...." By the time I'd drive home I would be a sobbing, tearful mess.

God used Gabe to quickly teach me a lesson that I needed to learn.  I do not keep my kids alive.  He does.  You'd think that having a baby born with a heart condition characterized by episodes of fainting and eventual sudden death would breed even more fear in me.  But by His good grace, it didn't.  Seeing my baby laying in a bed, wires protruding out every which way, alarms constantly sounding around him, I looked and suddenly realized "For all of my love and all of my trying I am completely unable to keep you alive."  And there was peace. 

 

Of course it is amazing to see all of the things that God has taught me through Gabe but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is my very favorite one.  It wasn't as though I labored to rid myself of (obviously) sinful pride in myself and lack of trust in God.  No, He just graciously did it.  He transformed me.  He used my precious little boy to show me that I have no control but that He does.  He used my priceless Gabey Baby to remind me that I don't know the future but that He does.  He used my special little buddy to teach me that these kids are not mine to keep. 

O LORD, you have searched Gabe and known Gabe!

You know when he sist down and when he rises up;

you discern his thoughts from afar.

You search out his path and his lying down

and are acquainted with all his ways.

Even before a word is on his tongue,

behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.

You hem him in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon him....

For you formed his inward parts;

you knitted him together in my womb.

I praise you, for he is fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

His frame was not hidden from you,

when he was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw his unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for Gabe,

when as yet there was none of them.

(Paraphrase of Psalm 139: 1-5, 13-16)

And He did ALL of that during that week in the NICU.  We brought our baby with a heart condition home from the hospital and I have NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE been more at peace, more fully trusting God. This peace was accompanied by the very practical thought God is in control of every single beat of all three of my children's hearts--heart condition or not.  What freedom He gave me through that thought! 

Gabe was sent home on a screaming monitor that blared at all the wrong times indicating nothing that was helpful but that the neonatologists insisted was helpful so that we knew he was ok.  We used it rarely for the first couple of weeks before we hid it away altogether.  Ben and I lay side by side in bed one night trying to fall asleep.  The alarm had sounded 3 times already in the 5 minutes since we'd layed down.  "This machine is not helping," we agreed, "It does not keep him alive at night, God does!"  We didn't need the beeping machine, afterall, we had a good and faithful God.  A good and faithful God who at any moment could decide that Gabe's life is over and would still be good and faithful. 


And though no more proof  is necessary to show that what God completes is completely done, please do see how God has done a lasting work in me.  I willingly and excitedly left all three of the boys to go on a date with my husband less than a month after Gabe's birth and continue to willingly and excitingly leave them with caring sitters (you know we have the best around, don't you????)  And while I am gone I do not worry about them.  Think about them?  Yes!  Worry?  No! 

I now beg for the opportunity to go grocery shopping alone.  And though sometimes I am still tempted when I get to that check out line to feel badly for being gone, it is no longer accompanied by worry and fear.  And when one of the boys gets an ear infection or a fever or sickness, I am not panicking like I once used to.  It's not that I prefer for my children to be sick, but God is much more reliable than I am so I need not fear. 

Finally, I go to sleep each night--peacefully!  And why wouldn't I?  Like the Psalmist says, "Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:4  He keeps my children whether or not I am awake.  And again in Psalm 4:8, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." 

I am so amazed and awed by the way God has specifically and particularly used Gabers to transform me more into the image of His Son.  Isn't He just so faithful!

Birthday Countdown--4 days

3.  He Covers Me With Favor

The details of Gabe's birth are exciting to me!  I had always wanted to experience going into labor on my own.  I wanted the excitement of waking up in labor, rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night, and delivering the baby while the world was unaware, still sleeping.  I wanted a good story.  But I always end up being induced.  It's so weird, being induced; you pick when your baby will be born.  And then you go there and you "get the baby out" as we would describe it to our boys.  And an induction was looming on the horizon with Gabe. 

I was hopeful throughout my pregnancy that Gabe's story would be different.  But as my due date approached I became increasingly saddened by the sober facts.  I wanted the story, the excitement, but it looked unlikely.  Baby kept measuring big and I was plagued by paralyzing sciatica.  Ben was convinced I needed to schedule the induction for Saturday but I was convinced that a baby shower of a dear friend was more important.  After many discussions, I followed Ben's leadership and called to schedule the induction for Saturday morning.

In my quiet times that week I was struck by these verses in Psalms:
Psalm 3:3--"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
Psalm 5:11-12--"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield."
For some reason I meditated on those verses all week.  I recall making the connection that the shield about me was God's favor.  What an incredible truth to take me into the next few days. 

On Friday morning, the day before the scheduled induction, I got a crazy idea that I knew Ben would not likely go for.  Before asking him about it I prayed, "God, would you just give us unity here so that this is not a battle."  I then asked Ben if he would consider it a possibility for me to try to induce labor naturally on Friday night by taking castor oil.  We had differing opinions on this method right before Elliott was born so I was expecting a hearty, "No!"  Much to my surprise and delight he gave a resounding, "That sounds like a great idea to me, honey.  Let's try that!"  Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer.  What favor!

Friday evening after he got home from work, I drank some castor oil and reported, "If this works, it is SO worth it!  Drinking that stuff is way better than having a pitocin drip!"  I started to feel lousy off and on for the next few hours but nothing to write home about.  By 9 o'clock absolutely nothing was happening.  I felt completely normal.  And I was completely devastated that I was going to be induced in 12 short hours.  I went to bed a bit sad but still excited knowing that no matter what I was going to meet my baby the next day!  I fell asleep quickly.  At exactly 1am, I shot out of bed with the worst stomach pain thinking I had to go to the bathroom.  At 1:06 I woke Ben by telling him I'd been awake for 6 minutes and had 3 contractions.  We left for the hospital shortly thereafter.  I was giddy with excitement all the way there about the favor God was bestowing on me.  Things progressed picture perfectly.  And by 5:26am, my sweet baby Gabe was born.  Not kidding-4 hours, 26 minutes from start to finish!  So incredible!  You won't even believe how kind God was to me in all of this:  not only did He give me a very fun story, He also ordained for my doctor to be on call (1 of 6 in the practice) and He ordained for the same delightful nurse who helped deliver Elliott to help deliver me again (how likely is that?  I deliver at a very large hospital!!!) 

I remember recalling these verses to Ben as we relaxed the next afternoon between visitors saying, "Surely He has covered me with favor as with a shield.  Ben, isn't it just so amazing how He lifted my head?  I was so bummed about having to be induced and He lifted my head." 

It wasn't long after as we were rejoicing with friends that our nurse for the day came in to  check Gabe's vitals.  She left quietly but returned only 15 minutes later.  She reported, "I got a weird number when I took Gabe's pulse before so I just want to check it again."  After her checking and rechecking and having another nurse check, it became obvious that something was happening with our perfect, sleeping baby.  His pulse had dropped from 110 to 95 to 80 in the span of 20 minutes.  They decided to admit him to the NICU for tests.  And by the following morning after many questions, ekgs, echocardiograms, and other tests, Gabe was diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome, an electrical disorder of the heart characterized by fainting and eventual sudden death. 

What sadness we incurred during that week in the NICU.  Our little hospital room suddenly became empty without the baby in it. Our baby, who appeared perfectly healthy, was lying in a bed hooked up to beeping monitors to record every beat of his heart.   As I lay on the bed crying, I cried out for the Lord's help, recounted His goodness in all of this, and begged for strength.  Simultaneously I received a text from my most dear friend saying, "He is still a shield about you, friend."  And that He was and ever will be. 

Look at the additional ways He was covering us with favor as with a shield:

• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, Gabe's heartrate slowed WHILE we were still in the hospital.  Slow heartrate is not a normal indication of this disease.  Isn't it just so kind that God would make us aware to a condition he has just 12 hours after birth?  You must know that this syndrome often goes undetected until the person is experiencing fainting or sudden death (and in males that is often not until they are adolescents.)  We look back and see how God was protecting our baby by letting us know so early so we could help him.  What favor! 
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, He has lead us to doctors who we feel very confident in and blessed by their particular care for us and our baby.  What a blessing to be able to call our pediatric electrophysiologist on his cell phone on Saturday afternoon the first time the baby has a fever so he can instruct me with what to do.  What favor!
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, He made that dreadful week in the NICU one of the sweetest weeks of our entire marriage.  There is no way that happens apart from His good favor, His covering, His shield!  I think back to those days that I got to spend with Ben so very fondly.  We were never more for each other.  We were never more in love.  We were able to love each other through good times and bad.  The circumstances were grim.  But God covered us with favor!
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, He has given us oodles and oodles of time just holding and loving this precious gift.  Gabe's medicine caused him a lot of gastrointestinal distress until we got the dosage right.  That meant we were up walking and rocking him for hours EVERY night for MANY months of his life.  Though that time was insanely draining and hard, and though at times I sinfully grumbled about my lack of sleep, much of the time I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that God would give me this extra time with my sweet boy.  Sometimes I had to tell myself, "You are so blessed to get to spend this time with your boy.  You don't know how much time you'll have with him!"  What favor!
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, He made Gabe an excellent napper.  Early in his life I worried what would happen since I couldn't let Gabe "cry it out."  I pictured myself as the little old lady in "I'll Love You Forever" rocking her grown son.  And one week after being completely frustrated that Gabe wouldn't fall asleep while I was rocking him I just put him down.  He never cried, never fussed, just went to sleep.  And has continued to do so almost every time!  God was covering me with favor! 
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom,when the stomach flu went through our house TWICE this winter, God protected Gabe from getting it both times.  It isn't preferable for him to throw up or have diarrhea since then he loses his medicine.  Can you see how God was shielding us?  What favor!
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, we had some pharmaceutical mix ups in Gabe's first few months.  Though a pharmacy filled the prescription incorrectly unbeknownst to us, God protected Gabe and kept him completely safe.  And as He shielded Gabe from any ill effects, He also showed us the need to carefully monitor these prescriptions for the future.  As further evidence of His kindness, this mix-up caused us look for a different pharmacy to fill the prescription.  Though it is a rare drug that Gabe is on and no pharmacies around us were able to fill it originally, the pharmacy around the corner from our house was suddenly able to!  What favor! 
• In His perfect kindness and wisdom, Gabe thinks his medicine is candy.  He seriously gets excited to take it.  What kindness that our baby loves to take the medicine (4 times a day) that helps keep his little heart beating correctly.  And isn't it kind of God to help Gabe stay asleep each morning when we go in at 5am to give him his medicine?   I am seriously so grateful that though we have to give him meds at that early hour that my day doesn't have to fully start then!   What favor! 

I could seriously go on all day!  He covered us favor through praying friends,by providing an extra mother's helper, by giving an extra week off for my mom so she could take care of the boys while we were in the NICU, with a young lady from our care group who has become a most dear friend as her schedule allowed her to visit, help me, and care for me when my other friends were busy with their own families, and by giving our boys hearts to pray for their brother.  Surely He has covered us!  Truly He has given us favor!  He has been a shield, the lifter of our heads!  Please don't read this thinking we never get sad or stuck in ruts.  We are people, ya know!  But God continues to lift our heads.

Finally, this post would be incomplete without making clear that this favor isn't because we are good people.  It's not because we deserve it.  It's not because God owes it to us.  No.  Our sin makes us deserving of Hell.  But in the biggest display of His favor He has given us life through His Son.

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.



(Romans 5:8-11 ESV)
 
Because Christ died for me, I have favor with God.  How humbling it is to look at Gabe and experience even more of God's favor.

Birthday Countdown-5 days

Before I go on, I did want to make clear that I am not opposed to the practices written about in books that help you raise your child.  In fact, I still use many of them.  My point is not that any one practice is bad.  I just had to learn that my children need a mommy who trusts God, not a mommy who trusts in herself or her good works. 

2.  The Plate Is Not Mine To Fill
I used to bebop around all over town with my kids in tow, that is when there were only 2 of them. Getting groceries? No big deal! Going to the mall? Totally fun! We were always up for a random outing or adventure. And the fun didn’t stop there. We regularly had at least one play date a week—either at someone else’s house or we’d invite a family to ours. Caleb, Elliott, and I: we got around!  I chatted on the phone to friends during naptime.  I dusted the baseboard each week. Then I had Gabe and life has not been the same.  Wonderful!  But not the same!

No matter what I do I cannot get ahead. Forget getting ahead, I can’t even get caught up. My mental to-do list each day consists of tasks that I must do just to keep my children alive and my house from falling apart. Sure I spend extra time filling prescriptions, researching, and visiting specialists regarding his condition but that doesn't take up that much time. And my house isn’t that big so why can I never get it fully cleaned? And for goodness sake, can we please just all go naked for one day so that I can conquer the laundry pile if even for 24 hours?

Each day consists of the same things: feeding my hungry boys, playing with them, reading to them, washing the dirt off them, trying to train them diligently, unloading the dishwasher, putting away toys, finding random objects in rooms carried there by little hands and dropped, putting said objects back where they belong (or shoving them under a bed or in a closet so that I can’t see them anymore…) And that’s before afternoon nap. After getting them to sleep my first thought is, “Now I need to get supper going.” I get supper going, try to complete a chore or 3, read my Bible if I didn’t get to in the morning and then they wake up, Daddy comes home (YAY!) and we repeat.

I don’t know how to fit in sewing projects or completing (ahem…starting) baby books. I still haven’t written thank you notes for when Gabe was born. (Not for lack of gratitude, however!) I can’t find any spare hours to chat on the phone to my friends, to deep clean my house, to decorate the guest room that has been finished for a year.  In all honesty, were it not for Sarah Poel's (she's THE BEST!!!!!) faithful and consistent help I would never have a clean toilet to tinkle in. Oh dear. And this stuff can get me down. I can cry to Ben at night that there is never enough time to do the things I’d like to do. There’s not enough time to be a good friend, not enough time get everything done, not enough time to get out of my house and make memories with my boys. And these things make me sad. 

But my plate is full. And God has used Gabe to teach me that my plate is full of the right things: my family!  Even though I’d like to spend more time with my friends, take my boys on more adventures, and reach out more consistently to the young women in my care group, but right now it isn’t possible. The things that I’m wishing I can fit in to my day aren’t bad.  But he has used my precious boy to show me that while I absolutely ADORE what He has given me that I'm discontentedly wanting more.  He's shown me that my contentment needs to be solely in Him.  And He has shown me in Titus 2:3-5 what he wants for me:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

God has given me this plate. God has filled it up. And by His grace He is helping me to “walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.” (Colossians 1:10) I still have a long way to go. But isn’t He faithful to help me realize that this is what He has for me?

Photo taken by Erin at The Locket.

Birthday Countdown

Gabe turns one in a week.  I can hardly believe it.  My little bitty baby (ok, I guess he was never little or bitty) is growing up.  His birthday coming up has me filled with all kinds of emotions.  I've been flooded with memories of the last year, most of them surrounding his actual birth, but have also realized that much of this year has been a blur.  Yet I don't think I've ever been more aware of the things God is teaching me than I have since Gabe was born.  Seeking to remember these very precious things God has been teaching me, I will be recounting one each day this week. 

1.  Different Practices Yield Similar Results
We have 3 boys but being boys is one of the only things they have in common.  With Caleb we did things by the book.  I studied the books, I implemented the strategies, and we saw good results.  I mellowed a bit with Elliott and loosened my grip on what I had to do to make my children turn out ok.  Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that even though we tried many of the same strategies with Elliott as we did with Caleb they just didn't yield the same results with Elliott.  And then there was Gabe.  And even if we wanted to implement the same strategies we had used before, we were highly encouraged not to by his doctors. 

You know what strategies I'm talking about:  the sleeping through the night ones, the putting your baby on a schedule ones, the ones that ensure that your baby will be the happiest and healthiest....

I went from being a make-the-baby-scream-it-out for naps to baby who wouldn't scream it out for naps but would fall asleep during the first 45 seconds of rocking to baby who couldn't scream it out but wouldn't be rocked either. 

And you know what?  All of my children sleep through the night some nights and all of my children wake up some nights. 

God has used my 3 very different children to show me first hand the truths of Psalm 127:
"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain."

Slowly the Lord has chiseled away pride in me.  And though I know it pleases Him for me to work hard at teaching my kids even from the very day they are born, I am so grateful that the results don't depend on me.  I am so grateful that whether I implement a good practice or strategy or whether I totally fail that God reigns supreme.  And it is so freeing to recall that if they are potty trained early, don't use pacifiers past age one, eat at least one food from each food group at a meal and eat a rainbow assortment of foods each day, and go to sleep on their own without being rocked that they still need a Savior.  No practice that I implement, however perfectly or imperfectly, saves them from their sins.

God has used Gabe to teach me that it is not about what I do but what He does.  He is so faithful!

Sometimes

Sometimes I hold Gabe and am overwhelmed by his sweet baby smell, my nose resting on his baby soft skin.

And sometimes I change Gabe's diaper and am overwhelmed by medicine-laden urine.

Sometimes I throw Gabe in the air and catch him, just like I did the other boys, eliciting deep belly laughs.

And sometimes I am leery of playing anything more "exciting" with him than a friendly game of peek-a-boo.

Sometimes I rejoice when Gabe sleeps all night, or even for 6 hours straight without waking up.

And sometimes I lay in bed just wanting to hear a silence-breaking sqwak. 

Sometimes I dream about the basketball team of boys we're well on our way to creating with their handsome and strong daddy as their coach.

And sometimes I weep knowing that Gabe won't get to play on it.

Sometimes I give my baby one of his doses of medicine without even thinking as he flaps his arms in excited anticipation of receiving it.

And sometimes I am tired of calling in refill orders and trying to figure out and reconcile pharmecuetical errors. 

Sometimes I look at Gabe and just laugh at him as he scrunches up his nose, making silly faces and sounds.

And sometimes I look at Gabe and am overcome with tears that this sweet little baby has a heart condition.

Sometimes I wonder what it will look like when Gabe has an "episode" - How old? Where? When? What?

And sometimes I remember that God can heal him at an acceptable time and according to His steadfast love. 

Sometimes my heart bursts at the seams with joy that God has chosen me to be this baby's mommy.

And sometimes my heart breaks knowing that he is not mine to keep.

Sometimes. 

But God is faithful.  And good.  And kind.  And loving.  And all-sufficient.

Always.

Mommy Said No

I told him not to do it but he didn't listen.  He didn't slow down when I told him not to grow up too fast.  And now look at him. 

Baby Blues

Deep Sea Diving

It all started a couple of months ago when Caleb asked Ben how much a submarine costs.  He had decided earlier in the day that he wanted to drive one when he grows up.  After explaining that they are very expensive Caleb promptly told me, "Mom.  I can't spend any more of my money buying icees at Target.  I need to save all of my money up for a long time so I can buy a submarine."   (Isn't it incredible how he has a long term saving plan already????  Ha!) 

So when I asked Caleb what kind of costume I could make him last week he quickly suggested scuba diver.  So that is what we did.  It was a very inexpensive option with the base of the costume completely reusable for the rest of the winter.  Awesome!

The boys dressed up in their costumes to give out candy yesterday.  They had a blast!  We encouraged them to give generously (and in return we let them eat a bunch of candy while they were doing it.)  It was a fun night! 

Without further ado, here are my little Scuba men:

Looks like he found a treasure while he was under the sea--two bags of skittles!

And here is my little pumpkin man.  I didn't make him a matching costume (though I was tempted) but isn't he so cute?  He melts my heart!