Birthday Countdown--3 days

4.  God Keeps Gabe Alive, Not Me

God's grace was so very evident during our time in the NICU.  There is no other way to explain it.  On our own we could NEVER have trusted Him during that crazy time.  On our own we would have NEVER experienced joy (albeit surrounded by sorrow on every side.)  On our own we would have been destroyed. 

But Ben and I would both agree that there was never a time of doubting God's goodness and faithfulness as an unexpected future for our child was suddenly hanging in front of us.  I'm not quite sure how to explain it but God transformed my heart in a major way during that week in the NICU. 

 

It might help you to know that when Caleb was born I would get big time anxious about leaving him.  I remember about a month after he was born and we had visitors.  They encouraged us to just go for a walk or something and get out of the house.  We went but I was a wreck the entire time.  Caleb was all I could think about for that 15 minute walk.  This was indicative of what was to come.  We would go on a date now and again and Ben's parents would graciously watch him but instead of spending my time delighting in my husband I would fear, "What if he cries and they don't now what he wants?  What if he isn't happy and is serious the whole time?  What if he dies and I wasn't the last one to hold, cuddle, squeeze, love him?  What if he doesn't drink the bottle?  What if, what if, what if...."

This pattern continued after Elliott was born but got even more intense.  Now it wasn't just with other people that I would begin fearing, it was even if Ben was the only one with them.  I cannot count how many times Ben would glad-heartedly send me to go grocery shopping in peace and I would excitedly leave.  But about the time I would get to the check out line I would start to panic.  "Oh my goodness I have taken too long.  I should have run through the aisles faster.  What if both of the kids are sad?  What if Elliott is falling asleep and Ben can't play with Caleb?  What if it isn't easy for Ben and he has to work really hard?  What if someone gets hurt?  What if, what if, what if...." By the time I'd drive home I would be a sobbing, tearful mess.

God used Gabe to quickly teach me a lesson that I needed to learn.  I do not keep my kids alive.  He does.  You'd think that having a baby born with a heart condition characterized by episodes of fainting and eventual sudden death would breed even more fear in me.  But by His good grace, it didn't.  Seeing my baby laying in a bed, wires protruding out every which way, alarms constantly sounding around him, I looked and suddenly realized "For all of my love and all of my trying I am completely unable to keep you alive."  And there was peace. 

 

Of course it is amazing to see all of the things that God has taught me through Gabe but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is my very favorite one.  It wasn't as though I labored to rid myself of (obviously) sinful pride in myself and lack of trust in God.  No, He just graciously did it.  He transformed me.  He used my precious little boy to show me that I have no control but that He does.  He used my priceless Gabey Baby to remind me that I don't know the future but that He does.  He used my special little buddy to teach me that these kids are not mine to keep. 

O LORD, you have searched Gabe and known Gabe!

You know when he sist down and when he rises up;

you discern his thoughts from afar.

You search out his path and his lying down

and are acquainted with all his ways.

Even before a word is on his tongue,

behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.

You hem him in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon him....

For you formed his inward parts;

you knitted him together in my womb.

I praise you, for he is fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

His frame was not hidden from you,

when he was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw his unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for Gabe,

when as yet there was none of them.

(Paraphrase of Psalm 139: 1-5, 13-16)

And He did ALL of that during that week in the NICU.  We brought our baby with a heart condition home from the hospital and I have NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE been more at peace, more fully trusting God. This peace was accompanied by the very practical thought God is in control of every single beat of all three of my children's hearts--heart condition or not.  What freedom He gave me through that thought! 

Gabe was sent home on a screaming monitor that blared at all the wrong times indicating nothing that was helpful but that the neonatologists insisted was helpful so that we knew he was ok.  We used it rarely for the first couple of weeks before we hid it away altogether.  Ben and I lay side by side in bed one night trying to fall asleep.  The alarm had sounded 3 times already in the 5 minutes since we'd layed down.  "This machine is not helping," we agreed, "It does not keep him alive at night, God does!"  We didn't need the beeping machine, afterall, we had a good and faithful God.  A good and faithful God who at any moment could decide that Gabe's life is over and would still be good and faithful. 


And though no more proof  is necessary to show that what God completes is completely done, please do see how God has done a lasting work in me.  I willingly and excitedly left all three of the boys to go on a date with my husband less than a month after Gabe's birth and continue to willingly and excitingly leave them with caring sitters (you know we have the best around, don't you????)  And while I am gone I do not worry about them.  Think about them?  Yes!  Worry?  No! 

I now beg for the opportunity to go grocery shopping alone.  And though sometimes I am still tempted when I get to that check out line to feel badly for being gone, it is no longer accompanied by worry and fear.  And when one of the boys gets an ear infection or a fever or sickness, I am not panicking like I once used to.  It's not that I prefer for my children to be sick, but God is much more reliable than I am so I need not fear. 

Finally, I go to sleep each night--peacefully!  And why wouldn't I?  Like the Psalmist says, "Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:4  He keeps my children whether or not I am awake.  And again in Psalm 4:8, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." 

I am so amazed and awed by the way God has specifically and particularly used Gabers to transform me more into the image of His Son.  Isn't He just so faithful!