Hope for the best?

Well, I wasn't anticipating this post. 

But I do believe that prayer makes a difference so I'm asking you to pray. 

After Gabe was born my doctor told me my placenta had some blood clots in it.  She wanted to run some tests to rule out a few unnamed medical conditions.  Though tempted to worry (and dig for information on google so that I could figure out what to worry about) God helped me just put it to the back of my mind and wait for August and my  yearly exam where I'd get tested.  I had the lab work done (thank you, kind phlebotemist, for sucking what seemed like 14 gallons of blood out with a teeny tiny pediatric needle).  The nurse called last night to report.  Unfortunately, I missed the call.  Seeing as how she didn't leave a report but told me to call her back, I knew the result was probably not good.  I immediately returned her phone call.  It was 7:01.  Office closed at 7:00. 

Ben was out of town so I had more than enough to keep my mind occupied.  It's like a 3 ring circus trying to get my crazy clowns to bed.  Thankfully 3 of my favorite people in the world (you know who you are and seriously, you are the best!!!!) came over to make my children even more hyper help.  After the circus was over and the ring leaders left, I was tempted to worry again but then convinced myself to push it to the back of my mind not knowing what she was going to say. 

The office opened at 9:00 this morning and I called at 9:01.  Voicemail.  Bummer.  She called back a few hours later and very sweetly said, "Angie, I just wanted to let you know that your blood work has come back and it's normal...."  {insert a very long pause which I know is going to end with the word but} "....but there were 2 tests that came back with slightly elevated levels that Dr. Alexander would like to repeat.  They could still be elevated from your last pregnancy so she'd like to wait another month and retest.  Don't worry.  Just schedule a lab appointment and come back in a month.  Any questions?" 

Yes, thank you.  I have a lot of questions.  Like "What tests came back elevated?  What are you looking for?  How am I supposed to not worry?  Can you be a bit more specific?  Am I going to die?  " 

I did inquire further and she gave me a bit more information.  They are investigating an autoimmune disorder and a blood clotting disorder.  I got off the phone kind of suprised, slightly in shock, and tempted to fear.  It's only been a few hours since I heard the news (which, let me just remind you really isn't news since I don't know anything for certain) and I've been through the gamut of emotions and thoughts. 

I am tempted to worry about right now.  I am tempted to fear what this means for the future.  I am tempted to dismay.  I am tempted to fear sudden disaster.  I am tempted to be anxious about more medical expenses for more medical tests.  I am tempted to dwell.  I am tempted to desire a different result. 

And even with all those temptations, God has helped me to pull my gaze away from those and focus on the Cross--the absolute, objective, reality that He loves me.  That He is for me.  That He is with me.  AND that He already knows. 

That said, temptations are coming quick and I'm having to actively work to fight them off with the Truth of God's word.  And here is the realization He is giving me: 

My flesh wants to hope for the best, hope in good reports from doctors, hope in comfortable circumstances.  He wants me to hope in Him. 

I have seen a pattern of this in my life since Gabe was born.  Unless I am actively seeking to hope in Him, my default is to hope in something else.  I default to hoping that Gabe's medicine is working because his heart rate is staying in the range they want it in.  I default to hope in a good report showing no arrhytmeas each time he wears the Holter monitor.  When I was told to wait until August, I hoped everything would be ok and just pushed it aside until the test came.  When the test time came, I resolved to just wait until the results came.  Now the results came, but they are unclear.  Part of me would like to know right now so that I can research and find information to hope in or the best doctor in the field to hope in.  My default even allows me to hope in clarity.

Trying to meditate on God's word as I was rocking (Small aside: I was actually sitting in a chair rocking; he let me sit down!  You should be excited!  It's a big step!)  my sweet baby to sleep, I had an idea.  Since I won't know anymore news for another 6 weeks (one month until retest and two weeks waiting for results) it would be easy for me to just push it aside like I've done in the past.  No sense thinking about what I don't really know yet.  But I think then I will be missing the point.  I think then I will have missed an opportunity to put into practice all He has been teaching me about trusting Him with my little heart-condition boy.  I think He is calling me to serve Him right now with my response to the news.  Remember, the only thing He is calling me to at this moment is to serve Him???  I would be remiss if I didn't apply this truth to this new situation.

I want to hope in Him.  I want Him to be my only hope.   

Will you pray with me? 
Will you pray that He would accomplish the good purpose He has for this season, these 6 weeks of waiting?
Will you pray for active strength to fight temptation as it comes?  
Will you pray with me that my levels would return to normal?
Will you pray that even if I actually do suffer from these two ailments that He would see fit to heal me from the things the doctors are investigating for His glory?

The verses He has brought to mind since talking to the nurse:


 Psalm 56 (emphasis mine)
3 When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?....
....8 You have kept count of my tossings; [3]
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
9 Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that [4] God is for me.
10 In God, whose word I praise,
in the Lord, whose word I praise,
11 in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

Psalm 69
13 But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.


Psalm 42

11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Lamentations 3
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; [2]
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

So do I hope for the best?  Of course!  But with my hope IN GOD, I know that whatever He brings is most definitely best.